


The chronicles of Puma Tiger Scorpion

by justmeandmysillystuff



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Potya is not a good boy, Sexy Times, as always, the police is involved, they break into a building ok, this is the stupidest thing I ever wrote I swear, yurio being angry and salty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 01:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11476035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justmeandmysillystuff/pseuds/justmeandmysillystuff
Summary: When Yurio has to leave for a weekend, he asks his two favorite dorks to take care of his precious cat. Only that, when he is away, his cat isn't really so precious. And Viktor and Yuuri have one of the worst experiences of their lives.





	The chronicles of Puma Tiger Scorpion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BigBossy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigBossy/gifts).



Puma Tiger Scorpion had the routine of a Hollywood celebrity.

Puma Tiger Scorpion needed his silky long fur to be brushed at least three times a day, with that special stainless steel brush his owner had bought online. Puma Tiger Scorpion had four daily meals, with all the essential nutrients balanced and rationed into the dishes, including fish, meat, vegetables and the right amount of lactose. Puma Tiger Scorpion slept on his sacred velvet cushion, and nowhere else.

Puma Tiger Scorpion was living the good life, always curled and purring against his owner.

Until said owner had to leave on a trip.

“Make sure to pet him only behind his ears. Not the belly, or he’ll rip off your arm” Yurio’s indications had been clear and specific, maybe way too specific, and he continued ranting even as he boarded his plane to Kazakhstan “and don’t you dare file his claws! He needs them to destroy his enemies! And I swear that if I see him wearing anything but leather I’ll…”

“It’s ok, Yurio” Yuuri had tried to calm him down, holding Potya between his arms “You don’t have to worry, you’ll just be out for the weekend! We can take care of your cat”

“Yeah, we take good care of Makkachin!” Viktor added, holding his fiancé by the waist, and giving Potya a hesitant pat on the head “See? He likes me!”

Potya didn’t look like he liked him.

But Yurio had no one else to trust his precious cat to, since Yakov and Lilia had already called him a spawn of Satan and said they never wanted him in their respective apartments again. He didn’t understand the problem, his Potya was an angel to him.

“Just…” he begged, before he disappeared into the plane’s hallway “Make sure he’s there and alive when I come pick him up on Sunday”

Viktor and Yuuri nodded, not really knowing what they had just got themselves into.

* * *

Two hours into his stay, Potya had already ruined the curtains, broke a base, taken a shit on the carpet, and had Makkachin crying in a corner. When they saw him hanging from the ceiling fan and hissing, they seriously considered calling the firemen. But they wouldn’t want Yurio to know his majestic cat had been touched by filthy foreign hands, so Viktor had to break out the ladder and they did it themselves.

By the end of the day, it wasn’t just Makkachin crying in the corner.

They couldn’t sleep, the sound of mewling was constant and insisting even at three in the morning, and Yuuri was trying to cover his ears with a pillow when he felt the touch of a hand making its way up his thigh.

"Hey, solnyshko…” he felt Viktor’s hot breath against his ear “Since it seems we won’t be able to sleep a blink…what if we make a good use of the nighttime?”

Yuuri hummed, feeling the press of hot lips against his throat and shoulder, turning around to properly face his fiancé.

“Sounds good” he kissed him, deeply, skipping any sort of preambles, running his hands through his naked chest. God bless that man slept shirtless. His skin was so soft and warm to the touch he thought his fingers could melt, and his throat let out a soft, needy sound that almost sets Viktor on fire. But just when the friction was getting too good to bear clothed, Yuuri suddenly pulled away.

“Hmm..wait, Vitya. Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

They both made silence, trying to catch any sound in the room, but it was quiet.

“Must have been my imagination” They shrugged it off, getting back to action, wanting to ease the day’s stresses through some good sex “Come here”

They made out again. Yuuri exhaled through his nose, relaxing to the touch, wanting to get lost within Viktor’s lips and hands, kissing him fondly. But when curious fingers adventured towards the elastic of his boxers, they were interrupted once again.

“Wait Viktor, this time I seriously heard something” He backed away, not missing the disappointed grunt of his fiancé as he stopped the kissing, getting out of his hold “Turn on the light”

Annoyed and horny, Viktor complied, not really expecting to find anything. But as soon as the lamp was on and the rest of the room visible, he saw an unpredicted ball of fur right next to his unaware lover and his heart almost breaks through his ribcage.

“AAAAH!” He screamed, instinctively throwing a pillow at it “WHERE THE HELL DID IT COME FROM”

“JESUS FUCKIN CHRIST” Yuuri didn’t know what startled him most: the demonic manifestation of the cat on the bed, or Viktor’s sudden shout.

Apparently, Potya wasn’t very pleased with the loud welcoming either, and he made honor to the bigger feline antecessors in his name by jumping all the way onto Viktor’s neck in full attack mode.

“AAA FUCK! TAKE IT OUT! TAKE IT OUT!!”

It wasn’t until Yuuri hit him with a pillow several times that he finally let go. The clock marked 3:30 AM, the neighbors were beginning to knock the walls telling them to shut up, and Potya had climbed all the way to the ceiling fan again.

The rest of the night was spent with Yuuri healing Viktor’s wounds.

 

* * *

On Sunday, after what had been a literal nightmare of a weekend, they decided to go to the rink to clear their minds, and rest a little bit from their ridiculous babysitting schedule. Of course they had to take the damn cat with them. They had promised Yurio they would keep an eye on him all day, and that they wouldn’t leave him alone. But it was Sunday, they were tired and stressed, and they needed a daily dose of ice. So after they fed Potya his special, nutritional breakfast, they pushed him into the car and forced him to collaborate with their needs for once.

It was the best idea they had had, so far. Younger skaters were fascinated with him, petting him and calling him funny names, and Potya seemed to love the attention. Yuuri had seriously feared the cat would show its true colors at any second and violently slay a kid or something, but fortunately it never happened. Viktor knew the food the children fed him from their lunchboxes was totally out from Yurio’s menus, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The kids were happy, the damned feline demon was calm, and he could skate with his fiancé in peace.

They were practicing a pair skate routine, just for mere fun, or maybe for some future exhibition if they had the chance, they weren’t sure. There were many people who weren’t professional skaters on the rink that day, mainly since it was the weekend, and they were all marveled watching that loving couple dancing in the ice, holding each other close, getting lost in music only they could hear. There were even some fans around, who immediately recognized them and asked for some autographs, which they didn’t really mind giving.

It was while practicing a certain move, certain part of the choreography Viktor had suggested, that Yuuri began to wander his hands more eagerly. They were supposed to do a little spin while holding hands, causing their arms to tangle and their bodies to press against each other in some sort of hug. But let’s just say Yuuri’s fingers weren’t exactly on the innocent bone of Viktor’s hip as they should have.

“What do you say if we go home early today…so that we can finish what we had started the other night?”

Viktor had never started the car faster.

By the time they were done with their needy sex marathon and an eternal shower that may or may not have been rather naughty too, the doorbell was already ringing with the insistence only certain blond punk would bother to press. They received him at the entrance with their skin flushed and their mind still steamy from the shower, wearing their matching robes, and being way too affectionate with each other for Yurio’s liking. After all, their weekend had been horrendous. And they wanted to enjoy it a little bit before falling back onto Monday’s stressing routine.

“I don’t want to ask what you were fucking doing, I just want my cat and I’ll leave” He demanded, crossing his arms and looking away from that disgusting foreign thing that was love “Where is he?”

“Hmm, where is he, Vitya?” Yuuri hummed, nuzzling onto Viktor’s neck, still high on their passion.

“I don’t know, you where the one who took him out of the car, silly head” He kissed his nose, but Yuuri wrinkled it in response.

“No I wasn’t…”

“YOU LEFT POTYA IN THE CAR!??” Yurio screamed at them, clawing at his own face, imagining his poor baby all cold and hungry inside those lovebirds’ revolting car “You fucking fucks! Go take him out!”

“Viktor…did you put Potya  _inside_  the car?” Yuuri suddenly paled, and the apartment was silent for a whole bunch of seconds. Way too silent. No words, no breaths, no cats mewling in the background.

“Oh shit”

* * *

“I swear to god that if A) something happened to my Potya, or B) the police gets involved, you two are going to wake up tomorrow at the zoo’s lion cage covered in barbecue sauce”

Ok, having to trespass into the rink’s building at midnight on a Sunday, hadn’t been exactly how they expected the whole situation to turn out. At least, with Yurio there, thankfully the cat would be calmer and it’ll keep its claws away from their faces. That wasn’t much of a consolation for the fact they were basically breaking the law, and that they would get in serious trouble if they got caught.

There weren’t any guards, luckily, but the rink did count with quite a modern alarm system that would go off if it sensed movement, and the police station wasn’t far away enough to consider themselves fortunate. Yuuri knew it wouldn’t be that hard to get in through the ventilation duct, he thought the real problem would be finding the damn cat and take him out of there. Mainly, since that creature seemed to live with the mere purpose of making others’ lives miserable. It would be hard to move around and look for him without activating the alarm. But much to his surprise, the cat was sitting right on the stands’ benches, right where they had left him.

“Potya!” Yurio whispered merrily, opening his arms, and the feline immediately perked its ears in surprise, turning to him “It’s me, Potya! Come here”

Potya mewled, and it was the gentlest sound Viktor and Yuuri had heard him voice. At least, compared to the hissing and the rabid cries that wouldn’t let them sleep during the nights. They saw him get off the stands, walking gracefully and lightly through the wooden seats, miraculously calm and silent much to everyone’s relief.

As they watched him jump out from the bench, their breaths got stuck in their throats. They feared the minimal amount of movement would bring the security system on and they would be in serious trouble. But Potya’s feline elegance made his steps dainty and subtle and their mission successful.

It wasn’t until he began to walk towards Yurio, however, that he noticed the other two extra presences in the room. And for a handful of seconds, his sight was fully set on Viktor. The man gulped unpleasantly, feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, self-conscious by the way the cat wouldn’t avert his stare. He looked so concentrated, as if he were making the most complicated of analyses inside that little hairy head.

“Uhm…why is he…”

“Come on, Potya!” His owner ignored him and aimed for the cat’s attention once again, patting his own thighs “Over here!”

But Potya had already made his decision, and he had prioritized hatred over love.

“FUCK NOT AGAIN” Viktor screamed, memorizing the picture of a bristly ball of fur jumping onto his face like the last thing he would probably see before he died.

“Potya, no!!” Yurio exclaimed, but it was too late.

Viktor fell backwards and crashed onto a metal trash bin, knocking it off together with his dignity and his sense of self-worth, making the loudest of noises that echoed through the empty building.

The alarm went off.

“We need to leave right now!” Yuuri shouted over the loud screams of the siren, covering his ears and closing his eyes, as if that could make it any better “Come on! Let’s go!”

Yurio plucked Potya out from Viktor’s face and tugged him under his armpit like a football ball, looking around desperately for the nearest exit, until his eyes caught the sight of a round window that was a few feet away from the ground.

“Over there!” He pointed at it, since it was much closer than the ventilation duct they had entered through.

But his partners in crime seemed to be too busy to hear him out.

“Are you ok, honey?” Yuuri was checking Viktor’s wounds, tracing his fingers through the sore spots delicately, cleaning the blood with his sleeves.

“IT’S NOT THE TIME FOR THAT, FOR FUCK’S SAKE” Yurio grabbed them both by their clothes, pulling them out of their bubble and back into reality. Back to the screams of the alarm and back to the high chances of ending up in jail “COME ON, YOU DISGUSTING FUCKS”

They used the trash bin as a ladder to get through the window, with Viktor climbing first, piling some stuff up outside to help them get out as well. They could hear the patrols in the distance, the sound of the sirens getting nearer and nearer, and their hearts mimicked the sound of the approaching engines as they tried to speed up the process.

Yet, as Yuuri tried to thrust his body through the hole, with Yurio pushing him from behind and Viktor pulling from his arms, they came across some unexpected inconveniences.

“Guys…” He breathed out, feeling the window’s frame beginning to squish his ribs and his shoulders about to detach from the rest of his torso “…I can’t!”

“Please don’t tell me you got stuck” Yurio stopped pushing, seeing how Yuuri’s butt and legs hanged from the wall like one of those deer heads on top of fireplaces “YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS! YOU FAT FUCK, IT THOUGHT YOU LOST WEIGHT!”

“It’s not my fault! I’m the same weight as I was before!”

“Whoa, darling” Viktor purred, with the much better view of Yuuri’s face instead of his stuck bum “I already knew you were thick but…”

“THIS IS NOT THE MOMENT TO FLIRT!” Yurio shrieked, trying to squeeze the flesh of Yuuri’s thighs through the window “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET STUCK LIKE THIS?? NO MORE KATSUDON FOR YOU UNTIL YOU FUCKIN DIE!”

“I’M SORRY!!”

“I SWEAR I WOULD FRICKING ABANDON YOU HERE IF I WEREN’T STUCK IN” He kept pushing, not even caring about the fact he was literally grabbing his ass.

“Maybe it’s the clothes!” Viktor suggested, letting go of his arms for a while and letting his poor fiancé’s joints rest “Yurio, take off his pants!”

“What??” Yuuri blushed, shifting uncomfortably, unable to escape his embarrassment as well.

“EWW, NO!” Yurio complained “NO WAY!”

“DO YOU WANT TO GO TO JAIL??” Viktor insisted, getting more and more desperate as he saw the flashes of red and blue lights in the distance “TAKE OFF HIS DAMN PANTS!”

The punk gulped, closing his eyes and wrinkling his nose with repulsion as he worked the trousers’ hem open, feeling Yuuri protest under his touch.

“No, please stop!” He tried to resist, face undistinguishably red within the patrol’s lights, moving his feet frantically and making Yurio’s job twice as difficult as he almost kicked his face “You don’t have to…!”

However, as soon as the pants were pulled out and the pressure in his waistline relieved, his body responded to the force of Viktor’s pulls and he fell forwards and onto him, tackling him to the ground.

Yurio helped Potya out of the building too and then he climbed through the window himself, his slim body sliding easily, as he jumped on top of his partners’ pained bodies and used them for a mat.

“LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!” He ordered, not even giving them a hand to stand up before he ran away.

It didn’t take them much longer to stand up and follow him, escaping the police just by a fragment of second, disappearing into the night with their hearts beating in their ears and Yuuri’s pants in hand.

* * *

The next day at practice, everyone was talking about the outstanding news of someone breaking into the building at night. All the skaters were very intrigued, looking at the newspapers together and browsing through their phones, sharing the information they managed to gather and formulating theories on what could possibly had happened.

“Maybe they wanted to steal something!”

“I don’t think so, the counter’s cash register was untouched”

“I bet they didn’t even know it was a rink…what could they possibly want from an ice rink??”

All of them were very busy talking about the matter. All of them, except for certain trio, who were trying to hide their yawns and eye bags as they dozed in a corner.

“Why are you three so tired??” Yakov had asked, looking at them suspiciously “And what happened to your face, Vitya??”

They didn’t even remember what they had answered him right then. All Viktor and Yuuri knew, as they watched Yurio being scold for failing a basic jump out of mere exhaustion, was that if someone ever asked them to take care of an extravagant, suspiciously weirdly-named pet, they would reject the offer. Right away.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the most ridiculous thing I ever wrote...I'm so sorry. I hope at least some of you laughed. 
> 
> Sorry BigBossy....I did my best XD


End file.
